Thursday, May 31, 2007

Happy Mountain Pet Adoptions


Scene – a well lit cell block lined with cages. Inside each cage is a being.

Two women walk down the aisle between the two rows of cages. They see a lonely dog sadly baying in a deep voice. Off on another row you can hear the yipping of another dog answering him. One cage has a man inside sitting in a chair watching a ball game on TV. Another cage has a homeless teenage girl with spiked green hair. She looks pissed off.

The two women stop in front of a cage where a man is sitting in a recliner watching a TV, Law & Order, Special Victims. He does not notice them. When a commercial comes on he picks up a book and opens it and read, and slamming it shut when the story starts again.

One of the women asks the lady in the blue uniform: How about this one?

Blue Uniform: (looking on clipboard): He is about 65 or 66 years old, which ever, old is old. His name is Edwin.

Lady: Hello Edwin.

Edwin doesn’t look up. He just picks the inside of his ear and look at the dead skin in his fingers.

Blue Uniform: We haven’t spent much time with this being, it says, frankly, we just haven’t noticed it. It says here it goes by the name of “Eddie”.

Lady: Does it shed?

Blue Uniform: Yes. It says here it sheds dry skin, dry ear wax, ear hairs, and nostril hairs – as you can see, you don’t have to worry about shedding on top of his head.

Lady: Hi Eddie!

Edwin looks up and smiles. He stands up politely, being in the presence of women and all.

Blue Uniform: Sit!

Edwin looks disappointed but sits back down.


Blue Uniform: He is pretty well trained, watch this: Lie down and play dead!

Edwin studies her a minute and sees that she is serious and then carefully bends his knees and put one hand on the floor to support himself and eases himself down in a reclining position.

Blue Uniform reaches into a bag on her side and in a high pitched baby-talk voice: Good boy Eddie!

And tosses him a KFC drumstick. Edwin grabs for it in the air and ends up just swatting it and it lands on the floor. Edwin picks it up and eats it.


Lady: Does he have a pedigree?

Edwin: Do I have a pedigree? My great grandfathers and my great great grandfather fought in the Civil War.

Blue Uniform: Sit!

Edwin: My great –great great great grandfather fought at Kings Mountain in the Revolutionary War…

Blue Uniform: No No! Bad Person!

Edwin: One of my ancestors was the sister of Chief Justice John Marshall!!!

Blue Uniform, pulling out a rolled up newspaper: Play dead!

Edwin: Her son lived next door to the Hermitage near Nashville and was a pallbearer at Old Hickory’s Funeral….

Blue Uniform swats Edwin with the rolled up newspaper and he suddenly rolls over and plays dead.

Lady: Well, he has a little age on him, but I think he could do yard work, maybe chop wood, paint the house, and other heavy but simple jobs I have around the house.

As each job is mentioned Edwin’s eyes get wider with an angry look and he frowns a little more each time. He slowly get up. Then he hices his leg and lets a huge ripping sounding fart that stinks up the whole area.

Lady: Is he house broken?

Blue Uniform: Well, I don’t know, as I said, I haven’t noticed this being before. But evidently not.

Lady Number One: What else do you have?

And they walk off the scene.

Edwin sits back down shaking his head and turns up the volume on Law and Order.

The curtain falls. End of scene.

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