Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Badge of Courage - I Mean Chicken

The above is an official badge of the CCSI (Chicken Crime Scene Investigation Unit). My number is 720, which is just a few numbers away from 007. This is a license to kill. To kill things like chicken hawks, possums, coyotes, rats, and raccoons,

Monty has a chicken coop for his granddaughter Anna. He bought her some baby chicks for Easter. The chickens got bigger and bigger. Deliciously bigger.

You could sense the saliva oozing out of the mouths of all the critters of the night as the chicks became young chickens and their voices changed from peeps to clucks.

The chicks began to disappear. One, then another one…. It was beginning to have the makings of a song like “99 Bottles”… then the balance disappeared at once, leaving nothing but loose feathers and a few clumps of blood.

Chief Investigator Paul Roper visited the crime scene… sniffed around, looked at the what little evidence left… after all, if all the evidence was still there, there would be no crime would there?

Investigator Paul Roper decided for one thing, he wished he badge number 714 just like Jack Webb… another thing, he determined, when the lights of the neighborhood went out the night critters had a buffet.

Of course, Roper conveyed his information on to me before he came to a conclusion and the most advice I had to give him was “Really? You don’t say….?” Also, I am proud to say that my badge number is 720, and if you take the 7 and multiply it by the next digit (2) what does that equal? It equals 14! So, if you take that 14, and keep the first digit (7), you have the number of the much status badge of Jack Webb, 714.

But, back to the case at hand: Investigator Roper conveyed his findings and theories to Monty Calhoun…. Which concentrated is that what Monty needs is a better chicken house. Then he tells Monty the Three Little Pigs Story about two pits make their huts out of straw and the wise practical pig made his house out of bricks…. And the wolf huffed and puffed and couldn’t blow it down.

Then Investigator Roper handed Monty a business card for 3 R Contractors.

A new much stronger chicken coop is being planned and new baby chicks have been ordered.

Did you know it is a must for baby chickens to be shipped when they are one day old? They have just enough body fat to keep them from starving for one day. See, Chicken Fat is good for something!

And do yourself a favor and kindly do not think about the one day old chickens that did not make it to the shipping platform one day one.

Now, are we sure that the chickens were taken by night critters? Could it be…?

Hmmmmm. That made me think (very close up of my face thinking)… last year Inspector Paul Roper and I had lunch several times at Brandi’s Famous Hotdogs….. (now the scene of my face starts waving, like a puddle of still water that just had a tiny pebble tossed into it) and the scene develops into Paul and I sitting at Brandi’s eating chili hotdogs…..

Eddie: If we ever get tired of these hotdogs and we eat lunch at Chic’Fi a let some time.

Paul: Not me! I do not eat chicken! (looking very absolutele)

Eddie: I’ll swap an onion ring for some of yours french fries.

POOF! The next scene is back at the Good Old Boys Meeting. I notice Ivanell (wife of Investigator Roper) very delicately cooking chicken breast strips of the grill. CHICKEN!!! Paul said he DOES NOT EAT CHICKEN!

Another close-up of my face…this time my eyes are bigger and a few nostril hairs are sticking out. I am darting my eyes back and forth at the chicken. Only you the reader know what I am thinking to myself:

“Is the evidence being cooked and eaten in front of our very eyes?”

Fade Out (with Peter Gunn music playing).

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Blogger kenju said...

LOL....Who you gonna' call? Eddie!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Eddie said...

Call me after they are cooked.

2:03 PM  

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