Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Secret Memo


WikiLeaks Report

The below is a private memo from Edwin T. Hunter, the CEO of Hunter Industries:

There is an infectious germ that is spreading rapidly. The common household name for it is C-Diff. It makes a person very sick in his or her stomach and intestines. It has caused deaths. The most infested places of C-Diff are hospitals.

It is believed that C-diff causes as many as 15,000 deaths a year.
Many people have tried to treat C-diff with expensive anti-biotics but they don’t do the trick.

Dr. Lawrence Brandt, a pioneer in biological research in combating C-Diff discovered that just old fashion human fecal placed in the infected area just about destroys the C-diff infection. It has something to do with C-diff is bad bacterial doing the body harm and the human feces is chocked full of good bacterial that fights the bad bacterial.

Frankly, I think a lot of people would turn down the dose of the special medicine, aka human feces, if they knew it was actual human fecal. They would turn their noses up, literally.

The word “feces” instead of “shit” helps some, but not enough.

Here is where Hunter Enterprises* come into play.

We first find something to disguise the smell. Maybe the final ingredient will be blended strawberries to cover up the real natural smell or maybe mint leaves Follow me?

Maybe we could have the Mint Julep C-Diff medicine, or the Strawberry Fields Forever C-Diff Medicine. What about “Mellow Yellow Banana Flavor C-Diff Medicine?

But first we need an endless supply of you-know-what. We will pay donors good prices for what they can let us use… or “let loose with” we jokingly say. It might be an incentive to pay by the net weight of the raw product.

Or maybe, if they do a good job we would give a bonus; say free meal coupons at all-you-can-eat buffets.

I know from friends and kin that when you mass produce something and put it into a container with a label on it you have to rent a professional kitchen that is guaranteed clean. We need to find a professional kitchen that is very close to a restroom with a good dozen stalls.

Of course we will have special plumbing to harvest the you-know-what.

Also, to meet state and Federal requirements a list of ingredients has to listed on the label as contents. This isn’t as hard as it appears. Remember fecal was not always fecal. It is a final product, processed through the human body. Originally it was wine, beer, potato chips, hotdogs, hamburgers, fried fish, fried chicken, spice, flour, and sugar. All we have to do is get a chemical listing of all those products and list those on the label.

Of course the last step in determining how much to charge for the medicine. Market study shows people have paid up to $2,500 in antibiotics to get rid of C-Diff for medicine that didn’t work. What about $3000 per bottle?

Man! I feel filthy rich already!
*Our motto: “There are endless ways to get rich overnight from the suckers born every minute”

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