How to Survive in Prison Manual

(art by Terry LaBan, cover of CUD Comic #2)

I heard on the news that the biggest swindler in U.S. history, Bernard Madoff, has sought the advice of a jail-bird-expert on what to expect when he gets in prison and how to survive. I did not catch the jail-bird-expert’s name.

The story went on to say Leona Helmsley and Martha Stewart sought the advice of the same expert.

So, what is there to know that one is to pay big bucks to find out?

Advice to future inmates on how to survive might be a nice profitable racket to get into. I think I will go into the Mandatory Confinement Survival Consultant business.

If people are willing to pay out big bucks for this kind of advice who is to say my advice would be worse than the schemer that advised Stewart, Madoff, and Helmsley?

I think instead of wasting my valuable time consulting one to one, I will put out a printout and sell them for thousands each. I’ll be rich!!! The fools!

Eddie “Rock” Hunter Mandatory Confinement Survivor Consultant.

Qualifications – Made an A one time in high school…and also 2 Bs. Also, I sat through, without going to the restroom, the following movies: JAILHOUSE ROCK, COOL HAND LUKE, and O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?

Reading beyond this point is accepting my terms and conditions. You must send me a check before you are incarcerated. Remember I have friends on the inside.

Rules for Survival:

1. The Warden is your friend. He is there to protect you and see that you are rehabilitated and pay your debt to society. Do as he orders and you won’t have any problems.

2. Since you probably have more hidden away than the warden will earn in a life time you might request that your assistant on the outside see that the warden gets well awarded for his fairness. And remember; treat him fairly, just like you do others on your payroll.

3. If he is one of those wardens that is holier than thou that won’t take tips, then you must find another way to get on his side. When he comes in the room and makes announcements be sure you nod your head in agreement with everything he says and if he gives an inspirational message always raise your right hand like you are pulling a cord for a train steam whistle and let out hoots at the end of every sentence; like “Wooo Wooo!!!” Clap wildly, also.

4. You may be known as “Fresh Fish” when you enter the prison. In the showers do not bend over to retrieve soap.

5. Have a tattoo artist cover you with wild tattoos from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. That is the smiley face way of saying, “Do Not Touch, I am criminally insane!”

6. Get yourself a bitch. I’m sure if you were smart enough to jilt the smartest out of millions it will not be hard for your assistant on the outside find a way to get money to the families of a chosen inmate. If remember the bigger the bitch the better, nobody will bother you…no sir!

7. Some of your peers may frown on bringing in your own staff of butlers, cooks, and doctors. Let your giant 7 ft bitch explain to them your side of it.

8. If you do get the Warden on your payroll it is wise not to humiliate him to have him moonwalk or break dance across the out side exercise yard. Remember to respect others as you insist they respect you.... well, maybe that is carrying it too far… but at least smile to them.

9. If you get caught misbehaving you might be sent to solitary. That would be if you and warden have not “communicated” yet. If you do have to go to solitary confinement be sure and have “your people” to check it out: make sure your cell-phone works, some times they don’t in concrete buildings… and probably no TV – insist on having a coaxial cable installed. After all! Hmmffff!

10. Do not go duck hunting with the warden. I seen read too many incidents that the warden and his hunting party had inmates act as retrievers. They had to swim in cold marshes and lakes to get the game shot. You got the money. Make the warden and his gang retrieve what you shot! Of course, that is after you and the warden get a few things straight.